The list is fucking endless...

But why in the name of god couldn't I even begin to search for a job yet??? I only need to type in the right keyword and I'm sure something good will come up. My daughter is infront of me while I am doing this blog. I have hundred of reasons to feel tired and just give up. But, one look at her and suddenly I already have one million reasons why I should keep on fighting. She's depending on me. This pretty girl with a sunny disposition and jolly personality is depending her future on me. So, I cannot afford to feel tired or feel anything. I just have to keep on fighting. I can't rely solely on prayers. I need to do my best and God will do the rest or so they say.

So I need to visit some sites soon. Enough of this manana habit. I'm in a deep shit and I need to get out of this hellhole soon.

I am pretty disturbed...

That I really think I should go and visit a shrink asap. No kidding. But then again, maybe not, because I'm sane enough to admit that I'm crazy right??? There's a lot going on in my life now that are too much for me to handle. I can't even discuss all of those things with my friends because I am not comfortable to do so. 80% of them wouldn't give a damn and the other 15% would be glad that I have those problems only the remaining 5% would really understand. Crazy right???yea. Don't roll your eyes on me now, if you can read this prolly you're not even my friend. Because my friends don't even have time to read this shit. Nice set of friends that I have huh???

I don't have an idea when did some people stop caring. I just woke up one morning and ka-boom they just did. It happened so fast. Some people just became so damn selfish. But, maybe not. Maybe it was me who became selfish. No news there. I'm a selfish bitch for as long as I can remember.

I'm so dissatisfied with my life. I want some changes. I'm trying to make some of the changes happen now, but whether I will get it or not it's way beyond my control. God knows, I need those changes to occur or else I will be completely and totally crazy. But, I am not threatening you God, I am asking for your help so those changes would happen. I am tired of this city life. I want to settle in the province and be with my daughter. I am tired of this shit-polluted city.

But, for now I can't do anything but to put on a brave face and deal with this shitty situation.

For now.

JUST FOR TODAY...

Just for this morning,

I am going to smile when I see your face...

and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you wake up softly in your flannel p.j.'s...
and hold you until you are ready to stir.

Just for this morning,

I will let you choose what you want to wear...

and I will say how beautiful you are.

Just for this morning,

I will step over the laundry to pick you up...
and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning,

I will leave the dishes in the sink...

and let you teach me how to put your puzzle together.

Just for this afternoon,

I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off...

and sit with you in the garden

blowing bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,

I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you

scream and whine for the ice cream truck...

and I will buy you one, if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,

I won't worry about what you are going to be

when you grow up...

I will simply love you for the joy you bring me.

Just for this afternoon,

I will let you help me make cookies...

and I wont stand over you . . . trying to 'fix things.'

Just for this afternoon,

I will take you to McDonald's and buy us both a 'Happy Meal'...

so you can have two toys.

Just for this evening,

I will hold you in my arms and tell you the story of how you

were born...

and how much we love you.

Just for this evening,

I will let you splash in the bathtub...

and I won't get angry when you pour water over your sister's

head.

Just for this evening,

I will let you stay up late...

while we sit on the porch swing

and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,

I will bring you glasses of water...

and snuggle beside you for hours...

and miss my favorite t.v. show.

And tonight when you are sleeping safe and warm in your bed,

I will think of the mothers and fathers

who mourn for the children they have lost.

I will remember the parents who sit by hospital beds,

watching over the little ones they love.

I will weep for those parents whose children are cold,

hungry and suffering,

and .... this evening,

when I kneel down to pray,

I will simply be grateful for all that I have

and not ask for anything...

except just one more day.

© copyright 1999 Sally Meyer

I'm not ready....

"It's my life. I don't know how long it's gonna last, but I know I need to end it well."

I read that somewhere in tumblr. How true, right? We need to end our life well. But, how on earth are we going to do that? When is well, well enough? I feel this sudden need to write about how life ends so soon. Lucky are those who has cancer or has any terminal disease, well, not in the sense that they are feeling to much pain all the time, but because they know that they're dying soon. But, how about those who died suddenly. One minute they're kicking asses and in the next instant they just stopped breathing. Wasn't able to say goodbye or I love you to their loved ones. I don't want to die that way. I don't want to die unexpectedly. I want to be able to say goodbye and I love you. I want to die when I'm ready. That will be in the next 40 years. I want to die old. I want to see my daughter growing up and create a family of her own. I want to see my grandkids. I want to be called "granny". I can't die like this. I just can't.

Sadly, when to end my life isn't mine to decide. It can be taken away from me any time. I just want the almighty to know through blogging that I am not ready now. Please not now. I am just not ready.

My name spells trouble...

I'm so fucking happy!

The hanky is wet...

It's time for me to leave and hail a cab. But, this sore loser is just too upset to do that. This is one of those days, where the rain doesn't stop falling. The earth is shaking. And my world is crumbling. But then, what can I do? Some things are just beyond my control. No matter how much I wanted it, it wasn't for me. It was for somebody who needed it the most. So I will stand up and turn off the computer, get a grip of myself and learn from the lesson. For tonight, I will take a taxi and not a jeepney just to perk myself up a bit. I will treat myself to a very delicious food later. Because this bitch deserves it. I might have failed a lot of people, but that doesn't stop me from loving myself.

Nobody can love me better than me.

The hanky is wet.

But not forever.

This bitch is free.

My heart wants...

It took me a couple of days to come up with the next topic on my blog. I lack inspiration nowadays. My heart feels so numb and so on and so forth. Though I hate to be a drama whore, I love the perks it brings.. I get lotsa attention (giggles)...which means I am now an attention whore. So ladies and Gents, please pay attention because the following are my heart's greatest desires.

Read on;

1. Take a trip to the outer space. Need I say more?

2. Dinner with the President of the United States whoever it will be. For now this one would do;

3. Enjoy hearty meals for as long as I live.

4. To have all these fabulous things down there...

5. To be able to wear this fabulous gown when I get married (which is very unlikely to happen..sob).

6. To own this one. Yes, you read it right, to OWN.

7. To live in this simple house. :)

8. Non-stop travel to Europe for 5 years....I hope time is sufficient to visit all the wonderful places there. Like this one, Paris in my mind...

9. To have a casual fling with him....

Oh sorry wrong photo uploaded.. :D

with him...down there :)

10. To have peace of mind majority of the time...

How about you? What's your heart's greatest desire?

:)

I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND!

Well, the title says it all, do I need to say more? Definitely. I need to explain it very, very carefully because some assholes are too stupid to realize that not all girls are easy to get, well some people changed anyway (hehe grinning like an idiot)...

To R.D., hey mister you are so full of yourself, you should learn not to be too slutty sometimes, because really it gets so damn irritating already.

To J.P., it's so nice of you to appreciate how smooth my legs are, but really dude you gotta learn "HOW TO SAY IT IN A NICE WAY 101", coz you sounded like a maniac when you did.

To G.R., oh such a cute and young boy, you make me feel how sad it is that I don't have a son (lucky me), you are like my child hijo.

To K.Y., uhm I don't know how to say it on your language, but peace man! Communication is very important in every relationship, and honestly, the only thing I can understand in everything you told me was the word "HI", and I don't even know how to translate that in my own language. Besides, I don't like a foreigner for a boyfriend, well not you anyway.

To R.B., are you even thinking? I am your bestfriend's Ex, for god's sake! I am definitely not hooking up with you, you actually topped my list.


The list is endless, and so I feel the need to explain myself. I am definitely satisfied with my relationship with Facebook. So, I am in a relationship and not in the market...(yah sounds pathetic, that's me hehe).

But the thing is I can't help but to think, DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE, I'M LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND?

No, right?
please?

hehe
crazy ME.

*some initials were changed for security purposes.

SOMETIMES, I'M SAD :(

For the past few days I have started to update my blog accounts, reason??? nothing... I just feel like to. I'm the girl who won't get tired to let the world know about the drama in my life. It feels good after you blog, it's like you are releasing the toxins in your emotions, it's the cheapest medicine I could get in the market for being a drama-whore.

Have you ever felt so alone eventhough you're sorrounded by people? Nowadays, that's how I feel. Nobody can't seem to fill the emptiness in me. I just go with the flow. Give them what they expect from me. But at the end of the day, the hole of emptiness hurts so badly. Yes, maybe I'm so lucky compared to other people, but why do I feel so unfortunate? I know my blessings, I thank God I have them. Being sad doesn't mean that I'm ungrateful to all the good things I have in my life. It's just that sometimes I can't help but to feel sad...it's a very ugly emotion, and I don't even know it's source. I can't stop it. Sadly.

So how do you feel today?

Honestly?